Day 8: It’s coming together

Today I’m starting to feel a lot better than I have been in a while.   Dr. Meltzer came in and visited me today as per his usual round (every day he’s done this!).   I told him how concerned I was with my dilation process being so anxiety inducing.   He suggested I get a beer before I dilate next —- to try and relax.   So that’s what I did!   I walked across the street to this lovely belgian fries shop with my dad.  We had some tasty. super oily french fries (to keep my bowels moving, which definitely changes the ease of dilating) and a strong beer.   Dr. Meltzer was TOTALLY right.  My dilations in the later part of the evening went much much better.   Not easy – but better.

Day 7 – Dilation sucks

I hate dilating.   That’s the only thing I’ve done literally all day.

Seriously, dilation is the elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about.   It’s something people refer to a lot, but nobody really ever truly has a discussion about it.   For the first month, you are supposed stick a glass dilator into your vagina four times a day.   With a lot of lube.  And there isn’t a whole lot of instruction you are given.   I guess for most people they just automatically understand how it works?    But I don’t. I don’t understand it at all.  I am struggling so hard with it.  Dilating us bringing up every insecurity about myself and quadrupling my anxiety. I don’t know why I am always so violently hard on myself when facing things that are definitely, by the book, not easy.

/sighs

Onward to some pictures:

This is a view from above of the dilation process. As you can see, my vagina has basically “engulfed” the dilator. The only thing sticking out is the dilator’s edges itself.

“This is what the dilator looks like after you’ve removed it from your neo-vagina. It is definitely bloody, and that is totally normal. I need to wash it with a very gentle antibacterial soap after every use. to keep it clean and sanitary.

I wish I had pictures to show you of the way the skin grafts are looking. The tape has mostly fallen off. There is a LOT of scarring with red blood patches. I’m having to apply bacitracin to it twice a day until the red patches go away. Then I can start using aloe vera. I’ve decided that when I am all healed up, I will totally do a tattoo in those areas. I’m going to be inspired by Sally from the Nightmare Before Christmas. Some kind of sewing stitch. To remind me that this body is mine, that I’ve made it my own despite everything. ❤

Day 6 Pt. 3 – Thoughts

I really can’t really understand or explain why, but dilation is fundamentally changing some core part of my relationship to cis women while simultaneously strengthening it with my trans sisters (whether they have chosen to, can’t have, or don’t desire to have surgery). It’s like I am suddenly living in two worlds at once on a physiological level. I don’t have better words to explain it other than that. I did not expect this.

Day 6 Pt. 2 – Unpacked

This afternoon, Dr. Meltzer came in to “unpack” my neo-vagina. This first involved cutting the stitches holding it together. Afterwards, he slowly unraveled the cotton wrapping, left inside from my original surgery, to keep the vagina from closing up. It stung a bit when he cut the stitches, and it felt really weird when the cotton was coming out of me. It was even stranger to watch how much they had managed to put in there.

But the weirdest thing?

Dr. Meltzer initiated the dilation process today. He did the first one – starting with what they call a #0. OH MY GOD. When he stuck it in there, my mind just went into outer space. The idea is that one is supposed to stick the dilator all the way until it hits the roof, and “you know” when it hits the roof. Well – I knew when HE hit the roof. I can’t even being to explain the feelings. I would not call it happiness, but it was amazing to say the least. Really strange to feel an object in my body like that. But kind of awesome at the same time.

Here is how the neo-vagina looks after the stitches have come out. It’s very bloody and swollen. The catheter is still in place, though I have the freedom to move around the room with it thanks to a little plug. Bladder training is A+.

This is what the dilator looks like. It’s a bit of a close-up. The blue dots indicate the level of depth you are getting. I’m making it roughly to dot 4, which is equivalent to 5-5.5″ inches? Anyways, I’m supposed to dilate five times in the next 24 hours. It’s required — to make sure nothing closes up. Blood seems to a pretty regular residue in this process, both on the dilator and on the tissue I’m sitting underneath to do the dilation. The nurses say this is all normal for right now.

Day 6 – Christmas Day! (Pt 1)

So in the last 12 hours, I’ve stood up, used the toilet, walked down the hall, sat down and eaten half of a quesadilla for the first time since last Thursday. I even drew a sketch. My nurse tells me she will help me take a shower later this afternoon. It hurts a lot but it feels like my own little Christmas miracle.  I am giving myself an A+ for today.

Day 5 – Things are moving along much much better.

I’m feeling a million times better thanks to this amazing nurse lady Natalie and one of Dr Meltzer’s employees, Deb. Tomorrow I get to unpack, walk for the first time Thursday, and dialate on Christmas. A Christmas present indeed!

A view from my bed at the fancy LCD TV. I can order my meals, turn on relaxation videos, and watch general television. It’s pretty amazing.

This is a selfie of the graft on the left side of my hip. It’s covered in this tape that I’m totally allergic to, but I am managing

Here is a Day 5 view of my vagina, still stitched up. The orange tube is the catheter.

Christmas Eve Dinner – I FINALLY CAN EAT SOLID FOOD BECAUSE TOMORROW BEDREST IS OVER. This is exciting. Vegetable quesadilla for the win!